I liked it. It had meaningful content, I managed to get it to flow while reading with ease which means you did a good job with the syllables. There were a few bits that seemed off to me but it would be good to hear the beat if you can post a link to it because that may explain why it seems off?
Other than that I’d keep writing. To me that was lyrical. I put several things in to judging how lyrical something is…
Rhythm (this is the flow of it, the syllables, the rhymes)
Complexity/Techniques (the use of multi or poly syllable rhymes, hanging bars etc..)
Connectivity (the reader or listener has to be able to connect in some way to what you’ve done and understand what you’re trying to say, if they can’t then no matter how technical your song, it’s almost pointless/worthless)
Depending on if it’s just written bars or accapella spitting or a track recorded over a beat then that adds something more. I wouldn’t say something is lyrical if the beat is up tempo and aggressive yet the rapper was slow and soft sounding, the contrast and clash is too horrid and takes away from the lyrics.
I don’t think it’s very “lyrical” at all, actually. Not saying you’re bad or anything, but most of the rhyming is pretty simple and single-syllabic. The song is meaningful and has emotion throughout the verse, but it wasn’t complex at all. Very little use of similes, metaphors, multi-syllabic rhymes, etc. And although it is difficult to tell just by reading, I get the sense that your flow is very monotonous and that it never switches up. I don’t know man, we all have different standards for lyricism. Keep workin’ at it dude. I’ve been writing rhymes for ten years and as long as you push yourself to do better, you will always do better. You just have to have very high expectations for yourself, tell yourself that you can always be a better emcee. Absorb every type of hip-hop. Be yourself, but try to inherit all the greatest characteristics of every emcee you enjoy in attempt to be better than them.
I think it was dope, the lyrics were deep but they weren’t that lyrical. You have the right idea with the syllables, you just need a greater vocabulary and switch it up a bit with the syllabic patterns. You have improved though, I remember back when we would go back and forth on the “4 bar weapon clash thread” and i definitely see improvement so keep working at it.
Here’s an example of switching up the syllabic pattern:
Insanity, tragedies, katastrofik events//
death is happening,its tragik,with the madness, you could be next//
In the night terrorizing, terrified by terrorist threats//
Tearin’ inside your mind, havoc’s attackin’ watch where you step//