(202): it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had…what was i supposed to say? lol…i’ve had better times by myself. seriously.
(913): omg… punch me in the throat… I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I’m not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
(607): so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
(949): Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
(253): Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
(201): Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
(434): So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don’t know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i’m entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
(240): Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
(618): how was the sex?
(1-618): he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
(618): well, there’s that.
and heres a couple from the Bay Area….
(650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I’m not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
(408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland..
(408): carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
(415): be there in 3 mins
(202): first missing my period. then crying at the clinic… but why?
(408): we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
(480): I haven’t seen Daniella all day…are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
(408): oh don’t worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no