“Try to break through it’s like we’ll never (it’s like I’ll never make it) make it better (give me pills let me take it) I can’t change the weather (yeah) and im going back where I’ve been, hope somebody lets me in. I need shelter from myself, if you can hear me please send help.” (“Little Pills”, Tech N9ne)
To have an addiction is like selling your soul, becoming the nastiest forms of ourselves, a monster some might say–a slave to satisfy that demon lurking within, whispering to you that you can do anything to satisfy your need. When we hit our lowest lows after having our highest highs, sometimes just the words of a song can bring you to tears, speak to your soul and then snap you back to reality. For Amanda Malinow, Tech has always been there for her.
Amanda, 29, from Simi Valley CA, grew up in an upper-middle-class family in the suburbs. She had everything she could ever want, except for friends. She had horses, and those were her friends. Amanda’s parents divorced when she was 17. She thought at that age that she had the perfect family, and when it turned broken it would prove to shatter her as it would anybody.
Around the same time Amanda’s’ parents divorced, a close family friend, a father-figure, passed away. So much suffering in such a short time is bound to break anyone.
The day Amanda turned 18, she dropped out of high school, and soon after that started doing crystal meth. Once she started doing the drug, she felt like she had the world at her fingertips, and life had become one long high-party. Life was a blast for Amanda, but every high has to hit its low.
After a hard-hitting bottom, by then her habit affecting her family, her life, her beautiful skin, and getting to the point where she couldn’t even afford it anymore, she decided to sling. The dealing caught her up with her first drug charge. She went to rehab for punishment but she wasn’t ready to step away from the life.
Amanda’s life was introduced to Tech N9ne in 2003, to which she claims: “It forever changed my life.”
Once she got out of rehab, her life went downhill fast, her using increased greatly and she fell deeper into that dark beautiful path. She was caught up in the game, a game that will get you if you don’t play it well. Meth has a tendency to do that.
At this time in her life, Tech’s music would lighten up her attitude, affected by serious affiliation with a gang and heavy hitters in the dope game. There were songs like “Yada Yada Yada” that meant a lot to her and also “Tormented” because with the life of meth, bad shit is usually always lurking around the corner.
One day Amanda was driving on the freeway on her way to pick up some dope. She was listening to a mix CD and the song “Little Pills” came on. The bottom hit. She cried.
“I had been broken for so long, and for once I heard a song that made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I was too much of a coward to take my own life at his point, but I was too weak to keep living. I listened to it over and over again, and each time it became more important than the last. The same was true for songs ‘In My Head’ and ‘My World’.”
Amanda felt empty inside, like her soul had been torn from her, leaving her unfeeling, but Tech’s music always made her feel something.
Amanda took another hard road shortly after “I’m A Playa” and she started using and manipulating men. She didn’t care. She had a demon to feed and that was all that mattered.
She moved to Los Angeles and Killer had just come out and “I Love You but Fuck You” came out and became her jam. She felt everyone in her life did just that. She was homeless, living in her truck and always chasing the dragon. She had Tech bumping on her radio constantly. When the times got even tougher, Amanda finally decided that she was done and that enough was enough.
In May of 2009 her road to recovery began. She wasn’t allowed to listen to music because it was considered “contraband,” so she would sneak into the library to get her fix. Since Amanda has gotten sober, she has gotten to know the person she was supposed to be.
“What I’m getting at, is that no matter what time shall pass in my life, I am, and always, a TECHNICIAN FOR LIFE! Aaron Yates has made a place for people like me that have suffered pain like mine. And biggest props I have for him in the fact that he made it to where he is and is still saying, ‘Fuck the Industry!’”
For Amanda, “Tech is amazing and his music saved my life.”