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Thread: Filthy verse I just wrote, feedback appreciated

  1. #1
    Senior Member BMC's Avatar
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    Filthy verse I just wrote, feedback appreciated

    Yo my homie just sent me a track he wants me to get on and I was feelin it so much i couldnt wait to write to it. you can never quite know how a verse flows by reading it, so im very curious what yall think. i never post writtens like this so all feedback is appreciated. fyi the tempo is pretty fast, im choppin a lot of these lines, especially at the beginning



    "Oh No"


    On the grind for the money, I'ma die


    For the love of what I ride to the beat


    Flow, wit a fly honey, sat up in the right seat


    Freak suck no teeth, wanna fuck? I'ma get it up


    So, easily, me's a be, never measily, hittin bitches


    I'ma squeeze her, t-til her knees, buckle, never quit it


    Double D lover, with a mean shuffle when I pivot


    Underneath covers, keep it up in her gut when I hit it


    Swagged out, wit a bad addiction, to the cash existin


    Because of the way that I mash and mix it


    If I catch the sickness, then I'm at your business


    With a "Shut Shit Down" sign...that's legitness


    Aint no motherfuckin down time, when you are this big


    I ain't made it that far yet, pass the lit spliff


    I'm a lyrical war vet, no astophysical


    If there's a piss test, I don't pass the physical


    Gettin dough wit a minimal bit of stress, obsessed


    With sess, rough sex, but bet I expect enough debt


    More or less, to press, my head under water, depressed


    Dishonored, and messed up, oh my god I'm a mess


    Elvis in his prime, fuck a bucket list, this shit is mine


    And fuck a bitch, she ain't gettin a dime


    Cause when I blow, I'ma go for the gold, I'm so cold


    When I drop the world on em, they gone say, "Oh No!"


  2. #2
    Senior Member Greg's Avatar
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    I see alot of tech n9ne inspiration...


    Keep up the good work

  3. #3
    Senior Member iAMuSIK's Avatar
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    I don't usually reply to threads like this but good work, solid word play.

  4. #4
    Senior Member BMC's Avatar
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    thanks yo

  5. #5
    Senior Member ShaneM's Avatar
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    Content: Alright, seems a little typical.


    Rhyming: Little stretched in the beginning but you pick it up from what I've picked apart. You should use a bigger variety of words though. Like "the beat" with "the right seat" just seems like a rhyme you quickly did. Along with "honey" and "money". But if the contents there why not.


    Flow: HOW?





    On the grind for the money, I'ma die (AABCxC)


    For the love of what I ride (AACC) to the beat (AB)


    Flow, wit a fly honey (AB) , sat up in the right seat (AxB)





    Freak suck no teeth, wanna fuck? I'ma get it up





    So, easily (ABA) , me's a be (AxA) , never measily (ABA) , hittin (CC) bitches (CC)


    I'ma squeeze (A) her, t-til her knees (A) , buckle (DE) , never quit it (FGCC)


    Double (DE) D lover (DG) , with a mean shuffle (DE) when I pivot (FICC)


    Underneath (DGx) covers (DG) , keep it up (D) in her gut (D) when I hit it (FICC)





    Although your rhyming scheme is good you should spend more time thinking of words. You should also concentrate on better material, better ways to present it and whatnot. That's just my take on it.



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