Five Things You Will Never See Kutt Calhoun Do (Because He's Too Gangster) [Editorial]

Feb 25 2013

Kutt Calhoun

When you’re as much of a G as Kutt Calhoun, there are certain things your high level of gangster will just not let you do.

With Kutt Calhoun’s magnum opus BLACK GOLD right around the corner, and his G level at an all-time high, we compiled a list of regular folk activities that Kutt Calhoun is just far too gangster to engage in.

Enjoy, and make sure to cop BLACK GOLD when it drops on February 26th.

5. Eat Hot Wings With Ranch

Anti-Ranch Wings

Wings with ranch may be delicious, but it’s certainly not gangster.

If and when Kutt Calhoun decides to stop dining on rare caviar and kobe beef and orders a plate of wings, his gangster mouth will not allow him to extinguish the buffalo-flavored fire with Ranch, for two reasons.

Firstly, Kutt’s grill has been hardened by years of chewing up wack rappers’ careers and spitting out the bones. He has no need to extinguish the fire.

Secondly, any time you use a dipping sauce of any kind, there’s a distinct possibility of that sauce ending up on your clothing. When you’re wearing the finest threads, a rogue splash of ranch could wind up costing you hundreds of dollars in dry cleaning. That shit ain’t gangster.

4. Wait Until The “Walk” Sign To Cross The Street


Let’s get this straight right now: Kutt Calhoun calls no man “sir.”

So he’s sure as hell not going to wait on some little light-brite looking guy on a sign to tell him when he can or cannot cross a street.

Assuming that Kutt is even walking across a street rather than just taking his solid gold Segway, Kutt Calhoun crosses when he says so.

Why? ‘Cause fuck a jaywalking case. That’s why.

3. Shop At Bed Bath & BeyondBed Bath And BeyondYes, Bed Bath & Beyond does have great deals on household furnishings, we’re not here to debate that.

But will you ever see Bloody Kutty Kutt Calhoun walk into the 3 Bs? Hell naw! This is a place for newlywed couples and people that know what a duvet is, and is not meant to house the immense levels of gangster that Kutt Calhoun constantly exudes.

If Kutt Calhoun needs a new bedspread, he’ll have one woven from the fur of extinct Bali Tigers, like he always does.

Tiger Rug

2. Attend A Tupperware Party

Kutt TupperwareAlright folks, this one is pretty high up there on the most un-gangster shit you could ever participate in.

First of all, do they even have tupperware parties anymore? We wouldn’t know, because we hang out with Kutt Calhoun.

Kutty has no need for tupperware, as he does not eat leftovers. Ever. Have you ever tried re-heated lobster tail? Yeah, it’s not good.

Even if they developed some kind of new existential tupperware that keeps your G’ness fresh, Kutt wouldn’t need it because his swag is non-perishable.

1. Ride A Vespa

Kutt Calhoun Vespa

Sorry, all you Vespa owners out there, but this ranked in at the absolute number one activity Kutt Calhoun could never participate in.

First of all, Kutt Calhoun does not wear a helmet. If Kutt Calhoun were to fall onto his head, his unbreakable gangster would actually crack the earth beneath him, negating the use of any protective head-wear.

We’re also pretty sure that there are no Vespa scooters with tinted windows, 22 inch rims, or a dope-ass sound system. All things that are necessities for a gangster ride.

When Kutt Calhoun needs to go for a ride, he simply goes to his personal gallery and hops into his 24k gold Velociraptor-shaped Navigator.

So we’ve reached the end of our list of things that Kutt Calhoun is far too cool to ever participate in.

We like to think you’ve learned a few things about Kutt today, as well as learned a few things to avoid to make your life infinitely more baller.

Obviously the post was all in good fun, and we harbor no ill will towards ranch dressing or tupperware.

Keep it gangster, and click HERE to pre-order BLACK GOLD!

  • What did you think of our list?
  • What are some more activities that Kutt Calhoun would never participate in?

Share your gangster-isms below!