“I just wanna die. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t wanna ‘cause that’s the way that I feel.
I’m barely hanging on. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t wanna ‘cause that’s the way it has to be.”
– Tech N9ne, Suicide Letters
Even someone who would seemingly have it all has his low points, as Tech N9ne clearly puts to words in a song a lot of fans might relate to – “Suicide Letters”. One of the biggest reasons why it’s easy to connect with Tech’s music is because he writes about the real shit. Joseph, much like many other Technicians out there, has gone through some of the unimaginable and made it through with the help of Tech’s lyrical messages.
Not only did Joseph have to witness his parent’s long, volatile, violence-filled divorce growing up, he also struggled with obesity in his teenage years which produced, as it often does, teasing and bullying throughout middle and high school. Joseph tried to deal with his depression quietly, even contemplating suicide multiple times to escape from the chaos. It was some of Tech’s older tracks like “Suicide Letters” and “Happy Ending” that prevented him from fixing temporary strife with a permanent solution. Eventually, Joseph underwent a surgical procedure that would help correct his obesity and depression, but it wasn’t long after that he’d be right back where he started.
Shortly following his surgery, Joseph fell in love. Due to his struggles throughout high school, he was always very cautious of whom he opened up to. He had finally found someone he could trust and who made him feel safe and genuinely happy. He knew that he had stumbled upon something special, but nothing is ever perfect. The problems started when Joseph introduced her to his family. Right off the bat they didn’t like her even though she brought him the comfort and joy he so desperately desired. When he stood up to them and they threatened to cut him off financially, she called things off so he wouldn’t end up completely stranded. Once he found a job and was able to support himself, they slowly started to try things again. It wasn’t until she had a male friend of hers in town to explore schools when she told Joseph that she would be exploring other options. Since it was such a painful process to open up to her, he was, of course, crushed and wondered if it was all for nothing. Songs like “This Ring”, “Come Gangsta”, and “Einstein” helped Joseph work through a variety of emotions and gave him the confidence he needed to move forward.
Currently, Joseph is 20 years old and holding down a job that many people don’t get until they graduate college, and, ironically, he’s attending college full time simultaneously. He’s slowly rebuilding his relationship with his family, and he and the girl he wanted to marry remain friends. But, right now, he is more concerned on finishing school and his own happiness. Joseph states that the song that he’s listened to the most this month is “Last Sad Song”. Joseph writes:
To Tech, I thank you for all the hard work you’ve done, for not giving up on us fans, and, most importantly, for not giving up on yourself. Your hard work, creativeness and cleverness are not unnoticed. Your music not only sounds good, looks good, or IS good, it’s all good in a way that it speaks to the heart and soul of the people that listen and understand. It’s easy to be sad when you’ve lived a dark past, but it’s easy to be happy when you’re looking ahead fast, and that’s what your music has done for me.
– Written by Callie Brown, Strange Music Blog Contributor
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